(cw: suicidal-ideation adjacent stuff)
I'm doing diary-type posts, not so much because they might be interesting to others but because I have more chance of sticking to this than a mood-tracking app, plus I have enough """"emotional lability"""" or whatever the fuck that a narrative of a whole day is probably actually more accurate than a number at a random time.
1. Woke up at 6am, screaming, due to the following dream:
I was on a boat with Rob. We were in the middle of an endless green sea with no land in sight. The sea was a very bright green: it looked like it was literally Mountain Dew. Rob was begging me to kill myself because I am such a terrible wife. At one point, he put me on the phone to Kelsey Piper (the Vox journalist) who confirmed that killing myself was the most ethical thing and that Merlin (the 2yo she co-parents) also really wanted me to kill myself. (AFAIK said 2yo is unaware I exist, and probably doesn't understand the concept of any kind of death, let alone suicide since the kid is fucking two.)
This is after a few days of a lot of low-level feeling of not being suicidal, exactly, but feeling like other people want me to die (or that they would be better off if I did, but they are too polite to say). Rob was very kind to me, despite being woken up by screaming.
2. Left the house at the same time Rob left for work, got the bus with him and went to the library. This is good for me. Means I can't do any housework because I'm not at home, but sitting in the library reading/ pacing up and down between shelves is better than sitting at home being a sad bitch and still not cleaning. Also met Rob for lunch.
3. Prompted by recent misery, I called a psychiatrist, finally (he didn't answer so I left a message. Answer machine said he is accepting new patients, but not until 3rd week of January.) I have been on every SSRI and had zero results (they didn't even nuke my libido, which was annoying because for a lot of them I was either Catholic or dealing with LDR sexual frustration and would have liked my libido nuked.) I am hoping that I can try Wellbutrin and my brain will do better (it's not widely prescribed in the UK.)
5. Got kicked out of a Bartell's for wandering around for too long without buying something.
(I was carrying a large rucksack and I think they thought I was a homeless person and decided to be dicks about it? Or maybe they thought I was shoplifting and putting stuff in my rucksack. Idek.)
I felt weird and guilty after that. I didn't want people to think I was homeless when I went to the library, in case they treated me badly. But I also didn't want to think "I don't want people to think I'm homeless" because homeless people aren't bad, just unlucky. Fact is that if I hadn't been able to rely on family/ friends/ the NHS between the ages of, I'm gonna say 19 and 28, I probably would have ended up homeless and I don't want anyone (including myself) to think I am better than an otherwise-identical person without that safety net.
6. Read some of The Making Of The Atomic Bomb and some of Ancilliary Justice. I need to finish 8 books in the next 20 days to meet my Goodreads target, which is doable but unlikely, especially as the atomic bomb book is so long and dense (it's for this month's book club). Still, I'm gonna try.
7. There's a social event at The Territory tonight for Hannukah. Not sure if I want to go, but I am worried about offending the organizer if I don't. (He moved to Seattle around the same time I did and has a lot of social anxiety/ sense of unworthiness in the rat community.) Tbh I feel tired and I would be happier just going to sleep at like 9, but I will at least message him.
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